


And That's How I Lost My Virginity!

by TheseusInTheMaze



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Anxiety, Dirty Pictures, First Time, Kissing, M/M, Masturbation, Mutual Masturbation, Panic Attack, Sexting, Sexual Hangups, Vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-11 17:10:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11718795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheseusInTheMaze/pseuds/TheseusInTheMaze
Summary: Dan... hasn't been as honest as he could be, about certain things.





	And That's How I Lost My Virginity!

**Author's Note:**

> Edited by the ever lovely Angel!

It was a party. 

It was an office party, to be precise, and everyone was either cheerfully inebriated, or cheerfully tired, 

Dan was nursing a single beer, watching Suzy and Arin be affectionate on the couch. 

He was standing next to Brian, who was following his line of sight. 

“You okay?” 

“Hm?” Dan blinked. “Oh, yeah. I’m fine.” He laughed. “I… don’t have the fuckin’ head for this shit anymore.” He indicated the beer bottle he was holding. 

“You’re looking pensive,” said Brian. 

Dan glanced at him. 

Brian wasn’t usually one to notice that kinda thing. 

Then again, he was... . more than three sheets to the wind. 

And Dan was kinda shnockered himself, on his one bottle of beer.

“I’m… I wish I had that,” Dan said, indicating Arin and Suzy. 

“You mean you want to be with Suzy?”

“Who wouldn’t? She’s gorgeous.” Then Dan caught himself. “But not like… that. Like….” There was a pensiveness to him, some kind of melancholy brewing in the back of his mind and the base of his gut. “I wish I’d had that, in the past tense, and in the present tense.”

“What?”

“I’ve never been… close with a woman like that,” Dan said. “With a person.”

Brian made a “go on” gesture. 

Dan laughed unsteadily. 

“I’m a virgin, Bri,” he said. 

“... what?” 

Brian looked shocked. 

“I know, it’s fuckin’... it’s pathetic,” Dan said.

The shame in his gut was already starting to curdle like like bad milk. 

"Why would I find it pathetic?"

Brian looked genuinely confused. 

"Well," said Dan. "For starters, I'm almost forty."

Brian shrugged.

"And I mean... I'm Danny Sexbang! My whole fucking act is built around the fact that I love fucking. How pathetic is it, that I've never actually fucked?" 

Dan was swaying a bit, the floor moving under his feet like he was on a boat. 

Brian put a cautious arm around Dan's waist, to keep him from falling over. 

Dan lolled his head on Brian's shoulder.

"You wanna know... you wanna know the dumbest shit about all of this?" 

"I don't think any of this is dumb, but continue." 

"Why don't you think this is dumb?"

Brian looked a bit uncomfortable.

It might have been because Dan was breathing right down his neck, but Dan only noticed that from a distance, because everything was spinning and pitching. 

It _had_ been awhile since he had drunk much of anything.

"Because people mature at different rates, or get interested in things like sex at different rates. Some people just aren't ready until they're at a certain point, and that's fine." 

"But I've literally made my job out of making sex jokes," said Dan, aware that there was a bit of a whine threaded through his voice. 

"So? Being interested in sex as a concept and wanting to have sex are two different things." 

"... what?"

"Sex as a concept can be something you're interested in," Brian said, "without it being a thing that you actually want to do. People like to read about serial killers, but that doesn’t mean that you’re a serial killer yourself." He had the patience of a saint, apparently. 

An atheist saint. 

Which got Dan laughing, and he fell against Brian, cackling like he was being tickled.

"Okay," said Brian, and he was leading Dan to the Grump room. “You need a lie down.”

He opened the door, and he carefully set Dan on the couch.

"You didn't let me tell you the most pathetic part," Dan said, looking up at Brian.

He was still giggling.

"And I told you that I didn't find any of this pathetic," Brian said. 

"Well, the most... the most pathetic part," Dan said, "is the fact that I... I'm beginning to get fucking boners from... from fucking dudes. Isn't that pathetic? Like, I'm such a virgin that my body is beginning to just want sex from whatever has a working hole that it sees!"

"You know," Brian said, giving Dan a thoughtful look, "that probably has nothing to do with you being a virgin."

"... what?"

"I said," said Brian, "it probably has nothing to do with you being a virgin. Anyway, haven't you talked about getting blow jobs before?"

"I've gotten a few blowies," said Dan. "But a blowie doesn't count as actually, you know, losing your virginity."

"You're receiving sexual attention from another human being," Brian pointed out. "How is that not losing your virginity, in some fashion?"

"Well," said Dan, "I've had three blowies. Count 'em. Three. And I blew my load too quickly, each fucking time. That's pretty pathetic!"

"I'm going to start ignoring what you're saying when I hear the word "pathetic," Brian told Dan. 

"Why?"

"Because you're using it too much, and because it's not true."

"But -"

Brian seemed to be getting... annoyed? 

Huh.

"Dan, nobody in the world is going to do things the same way, and the fact that we're fed a narrative that we do doesn't make it any more true. There are plenty of people who don't become sexually active later in life, and there are plenty of people who don't realize that they have a different sexuality until they're older."

"But I haven't changed my sexuality," Dan said, his head spinning.

He needed to not drink.

He especially needed to not drink around couples, because he got lonely and introspective, in ways that were probably a bad idea. 

"You're talking about having a new sexual interest," Brian said, and he sounded like he was beginning to lose his temper. 

"Well, yeah, but -"

"That doesn't mean you have to change your identity," Brian said, "but it does mean that you should reevaluate how you view certain things."

"Look at you, all knowing stuff and shit. You sound like an actual college professor."

"Funny, that," Brian said flatly. "I'm gonna get some water for you, and we can talk about this more when you're more sober, if you'd like."

Dan gave Brian a thumbs up, pressing his face into the cushions of the couch.

* * * 

Dan fell asleep before Brian came back with his water - he was woken up some time later by Arin, who had called him an Uber. 

* * * 

At work the next day, Dan sidled up to Brian. 

"Hey Bri," said Dan.

The anxiety was bubbling in his stomach the way that the alcohol had the night before. 

"Hi," said Brian. "How are you feeling?"

"Well, my stomach may forgive me, at some point in time," said Dan. "But, uh, that wasn't what I wanted to talk about."

"Hm?" 

Brian raised an eyebrow. 

"... could you not tell anyone that I'm a virgin?" 

"Why would I tell anyone that in the first place?"

Brian looked genuinely puzzled.

"... I don't know, honestly," said Dan, "but when I was throwing up this morning it was all I could think about, so I figured I might as well pass the message along."

"Fair enough," said Brian. "I promise I won't tell anyone."

"Thank you," said Dan, and he was aware of the naked gratitude in his tone.

Because that had the word naked in it, his brain went to himself naked, because of course it did. 

And then he was imagining Brian naked, because that was a path that his mind liked to go along now, although he'd seen Brian naked tons of times.

Small dressing rooms are a pain in the ass.

He wanted to kiss Brian, he realized, and okay, no, that was _not_ a thing to be tolerated, this was all bullshit.

"Don't worry about it," said Brian, and he smiled, his blue eyes lighting up, just a bit.

Oh god.

"I gotta go do a thing now," said Dan, his tone a bit... anxious. Hopefully Brian wouldn't notice. 

Brian nodded, going back to whatever it was that he had been doing.

Dan resisted the urge to press his face into his hands and groan.

His... libido, or his something or other, was all getting out of control.

This was fucking ridiculous. 

Maybe he should have just hired a sex worker... ten years ago or something. 

* * *

“Hey Dan,” said Arin, “You ever done anal?”

“... what?” 

“You know. Sticking your peepee into a girl’s butt and fucking her.”

Arin was wearing that look of his, the one where he was trying not to laugh at whatever joke was going through his head. 

“I've done it a few times,” Dan allowed. “But, uh, most girls don't like it.”

“I wonder why.”

“Well, I mean, like, boys have a prostate, so sticking something into their ass is like, amazing. Apparently.”

“You've never, like, gotten pegged?”

“My butt is a one way street, Arin,” Dan said, and he was laughing, anxiety fizzing in his stomach like a shook up bottle of soda. 

“Don't knock it ‘til you try it,” Arin laughed. 

“It's not like you can just, like, come up to a girl with a strap on, at the first date.”

“You could date a girl who has a penis?”

“Does that count as pegging though? I thought that pegging was explicitly with a dildo.”

“So if, like, I wore a dildo to fuck some girl, would it count as pegging?”

“... I’ve never thought of that before, honestly,” said Dan. “If I’m fuckin’ a girl, it’ll be with, like, my dick. Not a strap on.”

“What if you were wearing a chastity device, or something?”

“A _what_?” Dan looked over at Arin, his eyes bugging out, his mouth wide. “What the hell is that?”

“It’s a… like, a thing, it’s one of those things that you put around your dick -”

“One of those things,” Dan said. “Because we all put things around our dicks, right?”

“The first time I saw one, I thought it was, like, some kind of really weird condom.” 

“What actually _is_ it?”

“Well, the ones that I’ve seen have been cock cages.”

“So it’s….”

“A cage for your cock.”

“Why would someone do that?” 

“Because they like denial, I guess. I dunno. It’s weird.” 

“But no offense to our Lovelies who like it,” Dan said quickly. “We support all of you, regardless of your weird sexual perversions.”

“Dan,” Arin said, scandalized. “That’s not helping!”

“I can’t help it,” Dan said. “I haven’t done all the weird kinky shit you’ve done!”

… crap.

Maybe that was giving everyone the wrong idea.

Shit. 

“I thought you had a ton of weird experience,” said Arin.

“I’m strictly vanilla, man,” said Dan. 

“Didn’t you have a girl stick her finger up your butt?”

“That’s practically vanilla,” Dan said, his heart beating very fast.

“Weren’t you super scandalized?” 

“Well, yeah, but… I mean, the world is changing.”

“I guess you’re right,” said Arin. “But you never answered my question. Have you done anal?”

Dan giggled, high pitched. 

“Next time on Game Grumps,” he said quickly, and he turned off the mics. 

“You okay, man?” 

Arin shot him a worried look. 

“I’m fine,” said Dan. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Alright,” said Arin, and he shoved Dan in the side. “We cool?”

“Ice cold, baby.”

Arin groaned, and started the mics up again.

“Welcome back to Game Grumps….”

* * * 

Dan invited Brian over for dinner.

It was fucking stupid. 

He either had a crush on the guy, which… oh god, no, that was _not_ a thing that he needed right now. 

Or else he was just desperate.

Or maybe he just felt better to tell someone else about it, and he needed to unload a bit more.

Amazingly, Brian was free, and he was okay with hanging out, even after how much of a douche drunk Dan had been. 

* * * 

“So what do you want to talk to me about?”

“Hmm?” 

Dan stared down at his sushi.

“Whatever it was you want to talk about, you wanted it to be private, and I know you’ve been agonizing over something or another, because you’ve been wearing that constipated look you always get when you’re about to say something important.” 

“Maybe I’m just constipated,” Dan said. 

“You’re always constipated,” Brian said. “This is different.”

Dan wrinkled his nose, sticking his tongue out at Brian. 

“I wanted to… I wanted to apologize, for the other night. When I was, you know, super emotional, and kinda drunk.”

“You already apologized for that,” said Brian. “Don’t worry about it.”

“I… I just….” Dan sighed gustily, and rested his elbows on the table, his face in his hands. “I can’t believe I’m just… I don’t know.”

“Don’t know what?”

“I don’t know what I _want_ ,” Dan said. “Like… I want to lose it. I want to be a person other people want to have sex with.” 

“There are plenty of people who want to have sex with you.”

“There are people who want to have sex with Danny Sexbang,” Dan corrected. “Or people who want to have sex with Not So Grump. Not with just… plain Dan Avidan.” 

“Haven’t you dated people?” 

“Well, yeah, but… it just… didn’t work,” said Dan. “I ended up freaking out, or I sabotaged it somehow, or it just went….” He shrugged. “I want to have sex with someone who I actually care about. Who I love. Who _knows_ me.” 

Brian nodded.

“But… I don’t want to keep waiting,” said Dan. “Because I’m just getting so mixed up with the inside of my head, I don’t like it, and I figure I should just get it over with.” He sighed, flopping back into his chair. “I just… don’t know how.”

“Hire a sex worker?”

“That’d be too soulless,” said Dan. 

“Have sex with a friend?”

“All of my female friends are gay or married,” said Dan. 

“I think that Ross and Holly have an open relationship,” said Brian. 

“... what, really?”

“Yep.”

“Well, I don’t know Holly like that.”

“You do know Ross like that.”

“... not Ross,” said Dan.

“What, because he’s a guy?”

“A little. Mostly because… he’s Ross.”

“What’s wrong with him being Ross?”

“Because I’ll be balls deep in him,” said Dan, “and then he’ll look at me and utter some Rossism, and then I’ll lose my boner and my _ability_ to have boners for the rest of my life.”

“You exaggerate,” said Brian, eating his own sushi.

“Would you fuck Ross?”

Brian paused, and he looked genuinely introspective.

“If he offered,” Brian said finally, “and it wouldn’t make stuff too weird at work.”

“... what, really?”

“Oh yeah,” said Brian. “He’s got no gag reflex, and he’s got a nice butt.”

“Have you forgotten the bit where you’re _married_?” 

Dan was gibbering inside, just a bit.

“I’m in an open relationship,” Brian said, as if he was talking to someone slow. 

“But… but you’ve got a kid. And a dog.”

“Yes, and I also had a girlfriend, until she moved to Nairobi,” said Brian patiently. 

“Why’d she move to Nairobi?”

“Her mother was sick, and she wanted to be closer to her nieces.” 

“... oh,” said Dan. “And your wife is okay with it?”

“She introduced us.”

“... huh,” said Dan, and he leaned back in his chair. 

“You seem surprised,” Brian said, with his mouthful of sushi.

“You’re so… I mean, apart from the Ninja Brian thing, you’re so… _boring_ ,” said Dan. “Like… not as an insult. But you’re the guy who wears khaki shorts and sandals.”

“What’s wrong with khaki shorts and sandals?” 

Dan gave him a Look. 

“It’s… a dad look.”

“There is a whole video game about how dads are fuckable now,” said Brian. 

“Well, yeah, but isn’t most of that ironic?”

“I don’t think so,” said Brian. “The people who wrote it seemed pretty sincere.”

"How can people be that sincere about that kind of thing?" 

Dan was... legitimately surprised. 

He... he believed in romantic love - his parents loved each other, Suzy and Arin loved each other. 

But it being that... easy, to be romantic with someone, or to be sexual with someone?

No way. 

Brian shrugged.

"But yeah," said Dan, staring into the remains of his sushi. "I don't know what to do."

"Are you really that bothered by still having your virginity?"

"A little bit, yeah."

Dan took a bite of his tuna roll.

"I'll fuck you."

Dan choked, spitting out rice, coughing so hard that his chest hurt.

"What?!"

"I did say I was in an open relationship," said Brian patiently. 

"Yeah, but... like... you like men?"

Dan's heart was racing, and his head was... somewhere. 

"Dan, I literally just mentioned the fact that I'd be willing to fuck Ross," said Brian.

"Well, yeah, but straight dudes do that too," said Dan, his tone dismissive.

"... what?"

"They consider which of their friends they would fuck, if they were given the chance," said Dan. "I mean, Arin does it."

"Yeah, but Arin is also not that straight," said Brian.

"... okay," said Dan. "So I'm gay?"

"There are things other than gay and straight," said Brian. 

Dan's heart was beating very fast.

He was getting a boner. 

What the fuck?

Stupid desperate body.

"I mean, bi-sexuality is a thing, but I figured it was... less of a thing?"

"I can see this conversation going to places that I don't even want to think about," said Brian. "So I will ask again: do you want to fuck me?"

"I mean... if you're offering," said Dan. 

He liked Brian. 

He even knew Brian.

It'd just be a friend helping a friend out, right?

"Sure," said Brian. "Do you have condoms and lube?"

"Oh, obviously," said Dan, and he laughed, a bit unsteadily. "I always... hope, you know?"

"Yeah," said Brian. He stood up, rubbing his hands together. "Shall we?"

"Shouldn't we, like, kiss?"

"That is generally part of sex, yes," said Brian, and he stood up.

Dan didn't move as Brian leaned in, and he didn't blink when Brian's mouth was pressed against his own, and Brian's hands were on either side of his face.

It was... claustrophobic, but that was what kissing was like. He'd done it before, and he usually just kinda... bit his tongue, bearing it, because it was horrible, but it was part of having sex, and if he wanted to have sex, he had to do it. 

That was part of the social contract, or whatever it was.

He tried not to recoil when Brian's tongue slid into his mouth - he opened his own mouth, tentative, letting Brian's tongue touch his own.

It tasted like breath, and like the sushi they'd been eating, and it was... it overwhelmed him, but he was going to have sex, and that was what he was supposed to be interested in, right?

Brian pulled back, and he was flushed. 

"Right," said Brian, and he cleared his throat. "I'm going to, um, I'm going to the bathroom. And then we can get started."

Dan nodded, still overwhelmed. 

His mouth still tasted a bit like Brian's, and he wasn't sure if he liked that or not.

Lacking anything else to do, he cleaned the table. 

When Brian came back, his belt was undone, and he was pink cheeked.

"Shall we retire to the bedroom?" 

"Sure," said Dan.

His anxiety was sky rocketing, but this wouldn't be the first time he was about to get laid and he chickened out. 

No, he was going to do it. 

He was going to stop being a virgin, and then all of his stupid confidence issues would be solved.

* * *

Things happened.

They just... happened.

Dan wasn't an active participant, it didn't seem.

He kissed Brian the same way he kissed girls - mechanically, his hands on Brian's hips, and Brian was straddling his hips. 

"So," Brian said, when they'd pulled apart (thank god - Dan was going to suffocate soon), "do you know what's next?"

"I put my dick in you," Dan said, suppressing the "duh" that went with it.

Brian's dick was hard, and Dan could feel it.

Panic was beginning to brew in his gut, and he bit it back.

He'd jerked off to dicks before - well, dicks and pussies, usually, but sometimes there were dicks involved.

But it was... it was different, when it was touching him. 

He swallowed thickly, and he wrapped his hand around Brian's cock, through his shorts.

Brian moaned, and then he opened his eyes, and he raised an eyebrow.

"You look like you're handling a cockroach," he told Dan. 

"I'm sorry," said Dan, still gingerly rubbing where he thought the head of Brian's cock was. 

He was light headed, and this was just... uncomfortable, but he was hard, throbbing, desperately hard. 

"Do you want me to get myself ready?" 

"Yes, please," said Dan.

Brian was doing... something. 

Dan wasn't paying too much attention - Brian had one hand on Dan's shoulder, balancing on Dan's lap.

His other hand was doing... something or other to his ass, and there was lube involved. 

"I'll put the condom on myself," Dan said thickly.

The he'd had practice with, at least. He'd jerked off enough with a condom on, just to see what it felt like.

He'd even used a few fleshlights, or pocket pussies, just for the sensation.

And then Brian's wet hand was on Dan's shoulder, soaking into the fabric of Dan's shirt, and okay, no, that was disgusting, but he couldn't complain about it, because Brian was about to take his virginity.

"Are you ready?"

Brian made eye contact.

He was still wearing his shirt, and his hair was ruffled, from when they had been kissing earlier. 

Dan nodded.

He was... elsewhere.

Maybe a little to the left.

But then he was looking into Brian's face, and Brian... his dick was throbbing. 

He wanted to see more of that face.

He wanted to see Brian's eyes close like that, his mouth fall open.

"You're... you look amazing," Dan said thickly. 

Dan's heart was... it was doing something, because it was beating very, very fast, but he was feeling... something or other. 

He was feeling the heat and gripping tightness around his cock.

That was what he was feeling.

There was a lot of muscle squeezing his dick, and it was… it was intense, and he wasn’t feeling it.

His dick was feeling it, his body was feeling it, but he wasn’t feeling it at all.

“Dan?”

Brian’s eyes were looking into his, and okay, no, that wasn’t okay, because now everything was coming into sharp relief, and Brian was touching him, Brian’s sweat was soaking through their shirts, and it was sticky, it was gross, it was….

“Dan,” Brian said, a bit sharper. “Dan, do you want to stop?”

Dan couldn’t say anything. 

“Dan,” Brian said again. 

Brian’s heartbeat was all around his cock, and Brian’s cock was dripping pre-cum and smearing it on Dan’s stomach, and Dan’s heartbeat was very, very loud. 

“Dan, I need you to say something,” said Brian. 

Dan avoided Brian’s gaze, and then he looked up.

And then he threw up.

* * * 

It was a pretty epic vomit.

From his nose, from his mouth.

Full on _Exorcist_.

Brian, to his eternal credit, didn’t start screaming.

He stood up, off of Dan’s dick, and even covered in vomit, Dan’s relief was immediate.

No more touching, no more someone else’s heartbeat, just his own disgusting self. 

He was crying.

He was crying, and Brian was saying something, but he didn’t know what he was saying, because everything was thudding and buzzing in his ears. 

* * * 

Brian helped him into the shower. 

He let Dan wash himself off, but he helped Dan out of his disgusting shirt, and he turned the water on.

Dan stood under the water until he felt like a human being again. 

* * *

“Sorry about that,” Dan said. 

“It’s fine,” said Brian. 

Dan had showered, and Brian had showered after him.

He’d even washed the sheets. 

Dan… didn’t know how he was feeling, but everything was happening at once, and he was just… here.

“Dan?”

Brian was wearing one of Dan’s shirts.

It didn’t really fit him. 

“What?”

“Dan, I’d like to talk about what just happened.”

Dan stared down at his lap.

“I’m a failure,” he said. 

“What? No!”

Brian sounded surprisingly… vehement. 

Dan glanced up at him.

He was beginning to return to himself.

He was still kicking himself. 

“Dude, I threw up all over you,” Dan pointed out.

“You were clearly overwhelmed,” said Brian. “It happens.” 

“That was… gross,” said Dan, and he sighed, slumping back into his chair.

“A lot of things in life are gross,” said Brian. “I mean, I’ve got a kid. It happens.” 

“Still,” said Dan. “You offered to atomic sandblast my cherry, and I just puked on you.”

Brian shrugged.

“So are we gonna talk about your intimacy issues?”

“It’s not… intimacy issues,” said Dan, making a frustrated noise. “I’m still close to you. I still… I mean, I do… I care about you. I really care about you.”

“Thank you,” said Brian. “Do you have any idea why that happened?”

“... you’re sweaty,” said Dan.

“I can’t really do anything about that,” said Brian. 

“It’s… it’s more than that,’ said Dan, and he huffed.

He was wearing a loose pair of pajama pants, and they were riding low on his hips. He shifted, acutely aware of the fabric on his skin. 

“Yeah?”

“I’m… I’m not used to someone else’s body like that. When i’m making out with a girl or something like that, it’s just… bodies. But you’re more than a body. And it’s… it’s hard to connect you as a body to you as a person.”

“And there was too much body?”

“Yeah, something like that,” said Dan, and he laughed hollowly. “It’s… I’ve gotten a few blowies, but, you know, since I’m kinda long, girls can’t get it all in, so I’ve never actually been fully… enveloped like that, and it was just… too hot, and too tight, and too… organic?” 

He shrugged helplessly. 

“So you got overwhelmed by the physical sensations?”

“Yeah.” Dan leaned back, raking his hands through his hair. “And, like… I’m expected to like stuff like that. Or kissing with tongue.”

“You don’t like that?” Brian frowned. “I wish you could have told me.”

“But that’s just… what you do, you know?”

“It doesn’t have to be,” said Brian. He looked mildly distressed. “Can you tell me when you don’t want something?” 

“But I’m supposed to want it. It’s part of the whole having sex, you play tonsil hockey.”

“You don’t _have_ to do anything,” Brian said. “If you don’t like kissing, you don’t have to do it.”

“But I do like kissing. Just not, like, frenching.” 

“You don’t have to do it.”

“People expect it, though.”

“Dan, do you even _want_ to have sex?” Brian sounded exasperated. 

“Of course I do,” Dan said, scandalized. “I’ve been dreaming about it since I was, like, twelve.”

“Do you want it because you want to have sex and be intimate, or because feel like it’s a thing you need?”

“... I’m not sure,” Dan said. “I… I want to be… intimate.” He was tearing up again - goddamn it. Everything was just… not working. 

His skin was too sensitive, and he was trying not to start shivering, because once he started, he wouldn’t be able to stop. 

“I don’t think you should keep trying to have sex until you figure that out,” Brian said gently. “You can be physically intimate with someone, without having sex.”

“But… I want sex. Like… I love the idea of sex.” Dan made an annoyed noise. “I like the idea of giving someone pleasure, I want to make someone cum, and I want to hold someone, I want to kiss them without tongues.”

“You can do all of those things,” said Brian. 

“But I don’t know how to find someone to… explore with.”

“I’d be willing to try it,” said Brian. 

“What if it turns out I don’t actually like dick?”

“You’ll still be my friend, Dan,” Brian said, as if he was talking to someone who was very slow. “I promise.”

“Even though I gave you bad sex and threw up on you?”

“You didn’t give me any sex. Your dick was just in me.”

“How does that not make it sex?”

“The moving is part of it.”

“... huh.”

* * * 

A few evenings later, Dan went to Brian’s house.

He chatted with Rachel, he played with Audrey, and when the baby had gone to bed and Rachel had retired to her room to read, Brian and Dan were alone on the couch.

“Thank again for having me over,” said Dan. 

“Not a problem,” said Brian. “Audrey loves you!”

“And Rachel isn’t too weirded out by… you know….”

“Her girlfriend comes to dinner sometimes,” said Brian. 

“... huh,” said Dan. 

“She left us alone for a reason,” Brian said, and he was grinning.

“Oh,” said Dan, and he was blushing. Then he cleared his throat. “So, um, I’ve been doing some thinking.”

“What kind of thinking?”

“Well,” said Dan, “you know how you were talking about… how you didn’t _need_ to do certain things, in order to have sex or be sexual or whatever?”

“Yeah.”

“... I was wondering if you’d be willing to explore that with me.”

“I’d be willing,” said Brian. 

“I’d like… maybe we could start with cuddling stuff?”

“Sure,” said Brian. “What would you like?”

“... I’d like to hold you,” Dan mumbled, and he was blushing.

Brian leaned in, until his head was on Dan’s shoulder.

Dan wrapped an arm around his shoulders, squeezing him, then he paused.

“... could you put your head on, like, my chest?”

“You look pretty bony,” Brian said, but he had his ear pressed against Dan, his weight resting on Dan.

It was… grounding.

And it wasn’t as ridiculously warm as it had been. 

Dan could breathe. 

That was the surprising thing. 

Usually, he was too... overwhelmed, to be touched, to be cuddled, for all of this.

But he was comfortable. 

He cautiously stroked Brian's back, and Brian sighed, relaxing into it. 

"I can hear your heartbeat," Brian said. "It just sped up."

"You're cute," Dan said, and he laughed, a little unsteadily. 

"Only cute?"

"You're lots of things," said Dan, and his heart was beginning to beat faster. 

"There you go," said Brian, his voice gentle. 

"I feel like you're talking to the dog," Dan mumbled.

"What would you rather I do?"

"I... have no idea," said Dan. "I'm okay."

"Okay," said Brian. "So just enjoy it."

Brian groped around for the remote, and then the television was on, and they were watching Mystery.

"Why is it always little old ladies solving murder mysteries?" Dan murmured, his fingers nervously combing through Brian's hair. 

It was wiry against his fingertips, and Brian's scalp was warm, Brian's breath equally warm against his neck, which was a bit uncomfortable, but he was finding it livable. 

It was nice not to be overheated, and it was nice to have Brian's weight on top of him. 

"Little old ladies tend to get ignored," said Brian.

He sounded drowsy.

"... can I ask an awkward question?" 

"What's up?" Brian was shifting, until his head was resting on Dan's thigh, and that gave Dan the chance to stroke his hair some more.

"Is this gonna like... lead to making out?"

"I don't think now is a good time for it," said Brian. "Audrey might wake up, and I don't want to be... you know, aroused, or distracted, if that happens."

"Right, right," said Dan, and the anxious knot in his throat was starting to untie. 

"And we don't have to make out if you don't want to," Brian added, as an afterthought.

"Don't you like it? Making out, I mean."

"Yeah," said Brian, and he rolled over, so that he was looking up at Dan, "but I know you don't like tongue kissing, so I wouldn't want you to do something that would make you uncomfortable." 

"Right," said Dan. "I think I might like making out, except... the tongue kissing bit."

"Maybe you should write a list," said Brian.

"... what?"

"A list," said Brian. "A list of stuff you're okay with, that you're not okay with, stuff like that."

"It seems pretty... clinical," said Dan. 

Brian shrugged. 

"Up to you."

"You're right," said Dan. "I'm sorry. I'm being stupid about all of this."

"It's complicated," said Brian, and he patted Dan awkwardly on the leg. 

* * * 

Dan fell asleep on the couch, and the last thing he was aware of was Brian snoring, loud and nasally. 

* * *

They kissed more.

Chaste, tongueless kisses, and Dan was beginning to get used to the sensation of another pair of lips against his own, and the panic that always bloomed was shrinking, with every rough peck of Brian's dry lips.

He'd even grabbed Brian's butt once, to see if he could, but that had been a bit too... something or other, and he'd pulled back.

But now he was by himself - he was masturbating in bed, and he was thinking of himself.

He usually wasn't a part of his own masturbation fantasies - he watched other people fuck, and he got off on that. 

But lately... he was slipping in.

Mainly with Brian - kissing Brian, touching Brian, fucking Brian, although not in that one position.

On a lark, he texted Brian. 

_I've got the biggest boner right now_

His phone buzzed a minute later. 

_You gonna do something about it?_

_I was thinking about it, yeah_

_Well, don't let me stop you_

Dan took a deep breath. 

They'd never actually written the list - Dan had tried, but it was all too... weird. It was uncomfortable. 

So he was trying the thing. 

_Wanna see?_

_Let's see how good a dick pic you can take_

* * * 

It took a bit of wrangling - Dan even looked it up, "how to take a good dick pic", and then there was the getting everything lined up, finding the right lighting... by the time he'd gotten it worked out, he'd almost lost his hard on.

But now he was here, with the good light, and he began to stroke himself, and took the picture.

He sent it, before he could chicken out. 

* * *

_Very artsy, Daniel_

_How do ya like it?_

_You wanna see?_

Did he want to see?

... sure.

He'd seen Brian's dick before, but now it wouldn't be... taking up space, on his body. 

As it were. 

_Lemme see_

* * *

Brian's dick was thick, and it looked... much more appealing, than having it right there.

Less like it was a thing he needed to deal with, more like a thing that he could admire, or not, as he chose fit. 

He was holding it in his hand, and his flannel pajama pants were pulled down under it.

_I have no idea how to respond to this,_ typed Dan. 

_Well, you don't have to_

_I like it_

_I'm glad you like it_

Dan closed his eyes, and he was beginning to stroke his own cock.

Imagine... imagine Brian here. 

Brian, maybe on another chair, jerking himself off, and they'd be... they'd look at each other, maybe.

Brian's face as he felt pleasure - that had been nice, that had been really sexy, when it was taken away from all of the intense sensations that had overwhelmed him, but the things that Brian's _face_ had done....

Dan moaned, and his phone buzzed. 

He grabbed it, and there was a picture of Brian's cock, now with cum dripping down, and a line of cum going from the head of Brian's cock to Brian's palm. 

_What made you cum so hard?_

_I was thinking of how good your dick felt inside of me_

Dan's cock twitched.

_Did it feel that good?_

_It was fucking amazing_

And now guilt was beginning to hit him.

Was he depriving Brian from something he liked?

_Was it the best thing you've ever had up your butt?_

There was a long pause.

_Would it hurt your ego if I said no?_

Relief flooded through him like a wave.

_No. What was the best thing you ever had up your butt?_

_When I first started putting things in my butt in my wayward youth, I had a very oddly shaped hairbrush. It might have been because it was the first time that I ever had prostate stimulation, but it was amazing_

And then Dan's phone buzzed again.

_But your cock is pretty high on the list_

Dan took a breath, and he began to jerk himself harder.

He was going to cum. 

He hadn’t even had the words in his mind - _I’m gonna cum_ \- before he was spurting across his stomach, and the back of his hand, cum dripping down between his knuckles. 

His hips were still stuttering as his phone buzzed.

_Did you cum?_

_Yeah_

_Can I see?_

Dan bit his lip, staring down at the mess on his stomach, at his shirt tucked up under his chin, his big hand still covered in his own semen. 

But fuck it. 

He took a deep breath, and he snapped the picture, then hit send. 

_That’s a lot of cum. How long has it been since you got off?_

_A few days. I’ve been busy_

_I’m glad I could help_

Dan flopped back onto the bed, still panting. 

Emboldened by the hormones, or possibly by all the endorphins, he texted Brian again. 

_Come over Friday night_

_Wanna do anything special?_

_I’ve got an idea or two_

_Looking forward to it_

* * * 

Dan looked across his kitchen table at Brian, who had just finished his dinner. 

“Have you ever jerked off in front of someone else?”

“... Dan, could you start letting the conversation go in a certain direction before just blurting stuff out?”

“I mean,” said Dan, “I now know exactly what your dick looks like. I feel like that gives us a level of intimacy.” 

Brian rolled his eyes.

“I’ve masturbated around other people before,” said Brian. “It’s… different levels of hot or awkward, depending on a bunch of stuff.”

Dan raised an eyebrow.

“What was the more awkward one?”

“When I was in college,” said Brian, leaning back into his chair and putting his hands behind his head. “We were all in our dorm room, and we all knew someone else was jerking off, so we all figured we might as well jerk off, but we would all pretend that we weren’t doing it, because that would make it weird.”

“... huh,” said Dan. “Yeah, I can remember that. So what was the sexiest?”

“The sexiest….” 

Brian was staring up at the ceiling. 

“The time I jerked off with my wife,” said Brian. “I love to watch her touch herself.” He laughed, and he was… blushing? “I like… I like masturbation. Watching people masturbate.”

“Really? Like… a fetish?”

“I wouldn’t call it a fetish,” said Brian. “You need it to get off, it’s a fetish. If it’s just a thing that makes it more interesting, it’s a kink.”

“Sounds like something a guy with a fetish would say,” Dan said, his tone teasing. 

“Oh, I have a fetish,” said Brian. “I’m just not telling it to you.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’ll fuck with you.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“You’d know, having been in mine.”

Dan snorted, in spite of himself. 

“What if… what if I wanted you to… that is, I wanted _us_ to… jerk off together?”

“I’d be up for it,” said Brian. “Although would you want to watch porn while we did it?”

“... nah,” said Dan, after a bit of thought. “I mean, like… I watch a lot of porn on my own. And I watch it with Arin. So… well, um. I’d… I kinda wanna see your face when you cum.”

He avoided Brian’s face as he said it, because he was about to die of embarrassment. 

“Do you want to do it here?”

“God no, that’d be super unsanitary,” said Dan. “But, um… one of us could sit on one side of the bed, and the other could sit on a chair?”

“No touching yet?”

“Dunno if I’m… ready for that or not.”

Brian nodded, clearly amicable. 

“Is there a reason why you don’t like touching people? Or is it just not touching me?”

“Touching… anyone, when I’m horny,” said Dan. “I don’t… I feel like I’m expected to do something. Especially if that person is _also_ horny. I just get….” Dan made a vague hand motion. “It’s too much, I guess?”

“I understand,” said Brian. He stood up, rubbing his hands together. “Shall we?” 

“You sound like you’re proposing a marriage, or a brisk ride around the country,” said Dan. 

“If you’re offering,” said Brian. 

“... offering which one?!”

“I’ll let you decide on that one,” said Brian, and he made his way to Dan’s bedroom.

Which left Dan standing in the middle of his kitchen, sporting a hard on and a baffled expression. 

* * * 

And then… stuff happened. 

They kissed - kissed enough that Dan’ was swooning and dizzy, clinging to Brian’s shirt, and... _he_ was the one that suggested they sit next to each other on the bed, thigh to thigh, and he leaned back against his pillows, stealing glances at Brian.

Brian's fly opened like a flower, spreading out across his stomach, and he wrapped his hand around his cock, which was still pretty much flaccid. 

Dan took his own dick out, and it was already getting hard - being near Brian in this... capacity tended to do it to him these days. 

He was turning into a regular horn dog, it seemed.

Which was a weird tangent, considering how much he masturbated, but still.

It was weird, being sexual with someone else. 

He'd been... hopefully horny with all his girlfriends, but it had all been tinged with... well, terror. 

This was... it was easier.

It was _Brian_ , and the guy might have been an asshole, but there was a decent guy in there.

"Dan? You alright?"

Brian put a hand on Dan's thigh, and Dan jolted. 

"What? Oh, yeah. Sorry."

Dan smiled, sheepish. 

"Got kinda lost in my head."

"You need to stop doing all those drugs," said Brian. "It's doing things to your concentration." 

"Does the fact that it's easier to fuck around with you mean that I'm gay?"

"... what?" 

Brian blinked at Dan, his eyes a little foggy already. 

Brian's cock was half hard and getting harder, the head flushing red. 

"Because... I don't feel, like, anxious, when we fuck around," said Dan. "But I'm beginning to think that it makes me gay, but I also get, like, hard around women, and if I met a woman who I was as comfortable with as you than maybe I'd be -"

"Dan," Brian interrupted, "you're experimenting. It's perfectly fine to experiment. Maybe you're enjoying yourself because I feel safe, not because I'm a guy. Maybe you'll find a girlfriend who gets you, and it'll be fine, and it'll turn out that you're actually not that into dicks." 

"No, I... I don't want that to happen," said Dan. "I mean... I want a girlfriend or a wife or... something, just... I don't want to be expected to know everything."

He'd never put it that way before, but that was it, wasn't it?

All the women he'd dated had expected him to be the one leading the way, as the big tough rock star. 

"That's doable," said Brian. "And you don't have to be attracted to me. Or pretend to be attracted to me."

"I'm not pretending," Dan said, and without thinking he... grabbed Brian's dick.

Brian made a startled noise, and Dan looked down at his own hand.

Um.

It was hot, and it was throbbing under his hand. 

"Can I... I mean, can I... I should have asked, I'm sorry."

"It's alright," said Brian. "Do you want me to touch you like that?" 

"I don't think so," Dan said. "Can I... can I jerk you off?"

"Sure," said Brian, and then he laughed, a nasal sound, almost nervous. "I've... thought about this a lot."

"You have?"

Dan was jerking off Brian with his right hand, and jerking himself off with his left hand.

It was kind of awkward, and he was trying to move his wrists in time with each other.

He'd glance up at Brian's face - it was turning red, and Brian's head was thrown back as he took in deep, desperate breaths, his eyes half closed. 

Dan's eyes kept darting between Brian's face, and his own hands. 

He was a little clumsy - his hands were so big, and Brian's cock was a bit thinner than his. 

"Dan?" 

"Mmm?"

"Can you pay attention... here."

Brian's big hand went over Dan's, and he guided Dan's fingertips to the one spot, right under the glans. 

Dan cautiously ran his fingernails over it, and Brian's hips nearly left the bed.

_Fuck_ , that was hot.

"Dan?" Brian's voice broke. "Dan, can I touch you?"

"Um. Not on the dick?"

"How about your hair?"

"You can touch my hair," Dan said, and he began to move faster, as his own orgasm got closer.

This was... intense, but he wasn't being breathed on, he wasn't being crushed, it was just his hand wrapped around something hot and wet, his own hand on his dick.

He was in total control, and that was okay.

Brian's heart was beating through his cock, and it was pressed against Dan's palm. 

When Dan squeezed, Brian's cock filled with more blood, and it twitched in his hand. It was beginning to leak pre, and okay, that was a little gross, but it was making it easier for his hand to go up and down Brian's cock, and Brian was moaning and grunting like he was in pain, which was making Dan's own cock leak pre. 

"You're really hot," Dan said, out of nowhere.

"What?"

"You. You're really hot."

"... thanks," said Brian, and he was blushing.

"No, really, I mean it," Dan said, and he sped up his jerking, until his hand was a blur, and okay, it was getting a bit confusing - he was having trouble keeping track of which hand was doing what.

"Thank you," said Brian. 

"You're... you're soft, but you're not super, super soft. And you've got a really expressive face, even though you don't think you do. And your dick is... it's really nice."

Brian raised an eyebrow at Dan, but he looked more amused than anything else. 

"Really nice?" 

"Shut up," said Dan, and he did something twisting with his wrist.

Brian made a surprised noise, and his hips jerked up forward, fucking into Dan's hand. 

"Daniel," Brian said heavily. "Dan, I'm gonna... I'm gonna cum. You're gonna make me cum. Are you okay with that?" 

"It's why I'm doing it," Dan said, and he was laughing, because he was cumming as well, and both of his hands were covered in sticky cum. 

He stared down at his own hand, unsure of what to do, and then Brian was shifting away from him, grabbing for a tissue and wiping off Dan's hand, then taking Dan's other hand to wipe it off.

"How was that?" 

"It was... I think it was okay," said Dan, licking his lips.

"Congratulations," said Brian, and he was smiling, amused in spite of himself. "You've lost your virginity, the way I see it."

“I did?” Dan blinked at him, confused. “I didn’t put my dick in anything.’

“Well,” said Brian, “I always thought of it as being, like… like, when you give someone else pleasure, to the point that they’re satisfied.”

“I’ve made girls cum before,” Dan said. “Just, uh… usually it was by accident.”

“How do you make someone cum by accident?”

“I’ve got boney knees,” said Dan. “Or they’d just… ride my hand, and I wouldn’t be doing much of anything.” 

“Fair enough,” said Brian. “Do you want to cuddle?”

Dan… took stock, as it were. 

And he shook his head. 

His skin was overheated, and he needed to not be touching someone else.

“... can we lie on the bed and hold hands?”

“Sure,” said Brian, and he slumped down comfortably. 

“Thanks for being cool about all this weird shit,” said Dan. “All the… issues I’m having.”

“You’re just neurotic,” said Brian. “It’s not like you’ve got a fetish that’s incompatible with anyone else.”

“I guess you’re right,” said Dan, and he yawned. “But I still feel like a freak.”

“We’re all freaks,” aid Brian. “Have you seen the size of your thumbs?”

“Gee, thanks.” 

“Any time.”

**Author's Note:**

> Like this fic? Check out my tumblr, theseusinthemaze.tumblr.com!


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